J Ware: The, you know, I, I, I find that a really good question because my wife is, uh, somebody who is codependent. And so when I am interviewing you, Jake, I am really interested in this because I feel like my wife tells me that she has to walk on eggshells. And so I'm the one going, oh, like, you know, who am I in this relationship? So when you ask me about that, my, I know that there's people around me that have said that, um, in their relationships that they're in, um, I've heard those words walking on eggshells. That is a really big key word that I think a lot of people that are interested in this book about narcissism are gonna say, that is me. I'm walking on eggshells. So, yes, I, I think that's, that's awesome. That's a good word.

Jake Avendano: So, somebody who is in a narcissistic relationship, they might feel like whatever they're doing is wrong. You know, there's a constant sort of on edge and gut feeling that they're being controlled. Um, you know, it's a pattern of behavior where somebody seeks to control and manipulate you for their own benefit.

J Ware: Hmm hmm. And according to, um, some folks, I believe at Cornell, uh, university, or, uh, the, the, I was gonna read something. It says, the language used in the original tale about, uh, narcissist or narcissist is, uh, that he looked into water, fell in love with himself, and then he hurt people around him, specifically, um, somebody called echo. And so, um, narcissism hurts people around you in incredible ways, and this is a sensitive topic. Um, you're talk, we, we, when I was reading about your background, we're talking about pain in court and, uh, toxic relationships and domestic abuse and whatnot. What drove you to write a book about this? Was it your personal experience? Was it something that you saw in others? What drove you to do that?

Jake Avendano: Certainly my own experience, um, first and foremost led to writing this book. Um, but not only that, I wanted to help others because I feel like this information isn't very easily accessible. Um, and certainly regardless of, you know, whether somebody is in a relationship with a narcissist or not, um, you know, having these tools to be able to identify and, and see these behaviors will certainly helps somebody.

J Ware: That's, that's awesome. And I'm gonna go down a quick rabbit trail, and I'm gonna come back to this, uh, my next question. But you, uh, like we read about, you are a life coach, and what is your passion behind a life coach, uh, being a life coach, what drives you to do that? It sounds like you want to help people, but what, what, what is behind all that?

Jake Avendano: So, my main drive, um, like you say, not only to help people, but to give them inspiration, to motivate them, um, often when you're in a time of struggle is very easy to get consumed by negative thoughts. Um, and you, you know, my encouragement and and purpose is to turn that negative energy into something positive, uh, to give somebody drive again. Uh, I had to do this myself. So, you know, I feel like this can really help other people.

J Ware: Jake, I would tend to think in my ignorance and that I don't know as much about narcissism as you do that people may think that males or guys or, um, those folks might be the narcissistic person, and the women are always the, the co-dependent or the ones that are hurt. But I'm looking at your, your life and your experiences, and I'm going, okay, maybe that's not the case. And so is it just guys, is it just girls? Is it 50 50? Um, are there other factors that determine whether, you know, someone has that narcissism?

Jake Avendano: So generally there is a misconception that it's just females who encounter narcissistic abuse when actually, you know, uh, a lot of males don't come forward and talk about it. Me personally, I struggled to accept that I was in an abusive relationship, and I think that's difficult for a lot of men.

J Ware: Now, you have a unique perspective as a male, single father. Why do you feel like this perspective, uh, could help? You said that, you know, you've been through it. Why do you think that this could help, um, folks going through narcissism, uh, in a relationship

Jake Avendano: From statistics, it's shown that, you know, just 2% of fathers, they get custody of their children. Um, an inner environment where there's, you know, narcissistic abuse, it's very difficult to come out of that relationship. And, you know, where there's a sort of bias towards, uh, women in a family court, for example, uh, generally speaking, I feel like this is quite unique and exclusive. Uh, you generally don't hear the side from a male's perspective.

J Ware: Yeah, absolutely. I, you know, I, I just, I love that you are being so honest and we'll, we'll throw that out in your kind of biography and throw that out for, you know, a million people to hear through this interview, um, that, you know, Hey, I've struggled. I've been there. That's what you're saying. And I found this out. So I really appreciate that. And I think it's gonna give you a ne, a unique perspective and an audience that maybe, um, is very different than what people would assume. Jake, you are an engineer. And so precision, adaptability, problem solving is just part of your nature. It's in how you're wired. And I, I like that because you have ability to probably make things happen. You know, as a life coach, you want to inspire people and help people, and you think strategically, how did you have to think strategically about the writing this book?

Jake Avendano: So, through my own experience, when I was looking for a particular type of information, um, it was very difficult to get a straight answer. So the way that I've laid the book out, it flows. It's very easy to find out what you're looking for in that specific niche.

J Ware: Jake, what did you learn about yourself as you wrote this personal book?

Jake Avendano: Quite a few things, if I'm honest, John. Uh, so firstly, I never imagined myself writing a book. Um, so if we were to sit here a couple of years ago, uh, and say, I'm writing a book, you know, this is completely new to me. I'm completely outta my comfort zone. Uh, what I've learned is that you don't get anywhere from being too comfortable. Um, so I, I think that element of complacent was gone.

J Ware: Yeah. Well, that, that leads me to a question that I'd like to ask you about your, um, your research. And, uh, when you, when we were just talking a second ago, uh, you, you said that, uh, you looked for books when you were kind of going through the things you were going through, you looked for books, and I got the impression maybe you didn't find everything that you needed, or you wanted to do more research. I can sense that maybe you put on your, uh, your detailed precision problem solving skills of an engineer and said, okay, I'm gonna dig in and try to find this. Um, what was your research? What did that look like when you were sort of researching this to go, I wanna write a book about this and kind of maybe give a different perspective that's not out there?

Jake Avendano: Certainly. So as an engineer, I like to solve problems. Um, and one thing one of my mentors always taught me was to be clear and concise in your notes, because if you look back at them, you know, a year later you think, what did I write then? Uh, so I needed something for the reader that could be easy to navigate. So, um, you know, you are greet with the contents page at the start, um, and then it would be broken down into, you know, what is narcissism? What are the types, um, you know, single parenting dealing with negotiations. Uh, so it is fairly easy to follow. Um, so I started off with that approach. Um, I started off with the content that I wanted to include in sort of bullet points, and then every so often I would sort of spend a couple of hours and expand on this point, expand on this point.

Jake Avendano: So it was quite a systematic thing. Um, and then what I found is that there were questions that are very specific to certain situations. So from my own experience, um, this information's quite difficult to find. So these specific and niche topics, um, I've found through not only personal experience, but, um, good book by Lucy Reed. It's how to Represent Yourself in the Family Court. Uh, that's for the uk. But, um, that was quite a useful book, uh, to help me sort of self represent in court as well. Uh, and that, that sort of inspired me on that front because that book gives a, a very clear sort of picture and you know, where to find the information you're looking for. So, uh, on the same tangent, I wanted to sort of reflect that in, in my book and combine the knowledge I had, uh, and sort of portray that in a easy to use fashion.

Jake Avendano: I think that this book captures, you know, the perspective from a a single parent, um, side of things. And not only that, you know, it goes into great detail about the specific niches that aren't covered necessarily in other books. Um, and everything sort of flows. So, um, you know, for example, separating from a narcissistic partner and then, you know, going to court, sorting out child arrangements, et cetera. Um, I, I feel like it has a very good flow that's easy to follow. Um, and it's written in a concise and helpful way. Um, you know, not too much of a, a scientific look per se, but it gives a great insight without waffing waffling on too much.

J Ware: That's great. That's great. Uh, I, I, I'm excited to read this book and, uh, I gotta, I gotta get this book when it comes out, and we're gonna get to that in a minute. Uh, with, with, with this being a tough topic, how do your emotions, and let me back up, you, um, this is, is this your first book, Jake?

Jake Avendano: Yes. It's that you've written my first book, so prior to that, you know, I did a little bit of writing, but only in my own spare time. Um, but this book has been proofread and tested by, you know, various people online, on online communities, and I've, I've asked everybody what they want to see and what will be helpful. Um, and I think that's particularly important because there are, you know, there are a few books on narcissism, but I wanted to give something that's actually gonna really help people and, and give value. So I found that was a better way to sort of deliver that.

J Ware: Right, right. That's what I'm sensing through this whole, uh, this whole interview, is you, you have a unique perspective because you've lived it, and I love how, uh, the, how you've brought together your experiences with your engineering mind, you know, thank you. Saying, okay, I'm gonna set out and I'm gonna figure out, uh, you know, a narc, a book on narcissism, and I'm gonna try to help people because I'm a life coach. I care about, you know, helping people and getting people some help. I care about that, and you're gonna do it in an orderly way. I love that. Um, how do, how do your emotions, how do your emotions play into that? Uh, just kind of wrapping up this interview, we're gonna go into some couple, couple more questions, but how did your emotions play out into this, um, writing this book? Uh, was it, was it a relief? Did you, when you got done with it, were you excited? Uh, did you feel like you laid it out on the table? Uh, how did that, how did that, how did you feel after you wrote the book?

Jake Avendano: So, at first it was very difficult to remain impartial. Um, so at the start of the book where you're introducing particular topics, um, is important not to delve too much into, you know, anecdotes, your personal experiences, et cetera. Um, and to be concise. Um, and then as time went on, it did make me reflect and I saw one part of information, and then I thought about all these different things. And actually it helped me to process my thoughts and understand, you know, if I knew this at this time, what would I do differently? Or what will, what will I do now, uh, in order not to get in this situation in the future? So I, I do feel it sort of relieved me in some ways. Yes.

J Ware: Did you have fun writing this book? Was it an enjoyable process, or was it a hard process?

Jake Avendano: Most certainly. Yeah, it was, it was very difficult actually, to be consistent and say, you know, I'm gonna spend these two hours doing this. Um, I find great solitude in writing, but at the same time, you need to be in the right mindset. So you might have one day where things are very difficult, and then you sleep on it, and then you come back and everything flows. But I did have great enjoyment in writing this, uh, especially the relief it gave me. Um, and the feeling, you know, when somebody reads this and they'll see, you know, wow. Actually, yeah, this is, this is like my life.

J Ware: That's awesome to hear. And the name of the book is called Break the Cycle, and, uh, and it's coming out, when is it coming out?

Jake Avendano: So, my aim is to be at the end of this month, uh, the pre-order page will be available on Amazon kdp.

J Ware: Okay. Okay. So it can be found on Amazon, and, uh, it's called Break the Cycle. 

J Ware: All right. So, Jake, that's awesome. Um, w we are excited about the book coming out. It's coming out at the end of the month, we hope. And, uh, I'm excited to read it because it's kind of in the wheelhouse of what I spend time thinking about. Oh, cool. And working with, um, my wife and codependency and, uh, some of, some, somehow how it ties into mental health and, um, and whatnot. So, uh, thanks for being with us today, Jake, and, uh, I appreciate your time. I'm excited about the book. Congratulations on your first book. That's very exciting, and I hope that we hear, uh, from you again and that you continue writing. Thank

Jake Avendano: You so much, John. It's a pleasure to be on your show and, uh, I look forward to you, uh, sending you the book.

J Ware: Yeah. All right. Sounds good. Thanks a lot, Jake.

Jake Avendano: Cheers. Take care.